This Isn't Me
by haveyouseenmyhaggis
Summary: Jim becomes a murderer and he doesn't even know it. Who holds such a grudge against George that they decide Jim should pay for it and decide the best way to break Starfleet is to break their best Captain? Jim's POV.
1. We Meet At Last

**Title: This Isn't Me**

**Summary: "Help me," I begged, "You've got to help me! This isn't me!" When an intruder is located on board the _Enterprise, _what if it's controlling the person they least suspect? Jim becomes a murderer and nightmares become more than just nightmares? Surely the best way to break Starfleet is to break the best Captain? Very dark. Character deaths. **

**Author's Note: This took me ages to write. This is going to be a full length story and it will be one of my biggest projects to date. I was over the moon to find how supportive everyone in this fandom was of my other two Trek fics, and I hope this one pleases you as much! This will be a pretty dark story as a lot of my stuff is. Anyway, reviews are much appreciated, and I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Oh, and I got a _Star Trek _poster today from my friend. So I'm very happy now! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own _Star Trek. _**

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"Captain Kirk!" laughed a voice from somewhere above me, "We meet at last!" I opened my eyes slowly and panicked when I still couldn't see anything but pitch-black darkness. It was only then I became aware of the rough material wrapped around my head. It was itchy and I moved to tug it off but found my hands were tied behind me. I was sitting on a cold stone floor and I struggled against my bonds for a moment, frightened. Where the hell was I? Only moments ago I'd been sitting in my bed writing in my Log.

"Who are you?" I demanded.

"I don't think you need to know that, Jim," the voice sneered. It was a rough sort of voice and it sent a shiver down my spine. Suddenly I felt a hand gripping my jaw and heard a bitter laugh. "Very much like George, aren't you?"

"Wha-?" I began before he shook my head viciously to shut me up.

"Quit it, kid! I didn't bring you here to listen to you talk," the voice growled in my ear. I felt someone his hand slide away my face and around my neck. Crap! He was going to kill me. I was sure of it. I struggled against his grip as he tugged me to my feet by my throat. "Prepare him for the operation, doctor."

Operation? What? No! I kicked out at my captor blindly but felt his knee come into contact with my stomach and I choked. He had the advantage, obviously, because I was tied up. I felt myself being dragged off somewhere, stumbling desperately. I was thrown down on a steel chair and I was bound to it. I felt ridiculous. I was blind and incapacitated. I was utterly helpless. When I felt someone tugging my mouth open I bit them. They totally deserved it but I, on the other hand, did _not _deserve to be smacked in the face for my troubles. Taking advantage of my momentary confusion, my captor tugged my mouth open and forced some sort of tube into my throat. I cried out and struggled and bit down but all to no avail. And then came the odd burning feeling that spread right through my whole body. I screamed.

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I woke with a start. I was lying on the floor of my bedroom in a heap. For a moment I didn't move. I was breathing heavily. My heart was racing. I'd had a really terrifying dream but no matter how much I tried I couldn't remember anything other than being unable to move. I winced as I sat up slowly, wondering dimly how I'd managed to end up on the floor anyway. I sighed and rubbed my eyes. I had one hell of a sore head. I checked the digital clock beside my bed and saw it was seven in the morning. I groaned. I only had half an hour until I was meant to be on the bridge. I struggled to my feet and realised I was still wearing my uniform.

I stumbled into the bathroom and had a quick shower before putting on a clean uniform and going off in search of food. I was starving. When I got to the _Enterprise _canteen I found Bones sitting there chewing on a slice of toast with several other members of the crew. "Hello, Jim," he said with a face like thunder.

"Hello," I said as I walked over to the serving hatch and practically up-ended a box of cereal into a bowl and haphazardly poured milk on it before sitting down opposite my friend. "You okay?" I asked. He looked troubled. His eyes were clouded with irritation.

"Yes, but I might not have been!" Bones snapped.

I frowned, "Why?" I asked. I was struggling to focus that morning through my headache.

"Why don't you ask Lieutenant Uhura that?" he snarled bitterly.

It was then I noticed Uhura sitting a few seats away from Bones, beside Spock. She looked furious and turned to glare at Bones. It was times like that that made me hate being Captain. "What's going on?" I demanded.

"Lieutenant Uhura left her position on the bridge last night," Bones snarled, "When she was _meant _to be on duty!" I raised my eyebrows at the pair looking daggers at each other. Bones was giving her a look of utter fury as he carried on talking, "And we _all _know where she would have been, don't we?"

"We do?" Chekov asked, looking up from his cornflakes for the first time.

Bones looked like he could have strangled him, "Open your eyes, Chekov!"

"Hey!" I snapped, "All of you shut up." It would be day I had the headache from hell that the crew fell out with each other.

"No, _Captain _I bloody well-," Bones began before Spock spoke over him.

"I believe the Captain requested your silence?" he said evenly.

I smiled my thanks at my first officer as everyone fell silent then looked around the table, "Right. So what if Lieutenant Uhura was in Spock's pants last night-."

"Jim!"

I ignored Uhura and carried on, "I want to know why you're so worked up about it this morning, Bones? Nobody was hurt, were they? I know she should have been on duty, but I'll deal with that later but what's happened to get your back up?"

Bones glowered at me. "Somebody hacked my computer last night and edited my patient details. Specifically one of my nurses. Her whole record has been wiped clean, Jim. It's showing that she's dead and her details are just gone. And I know for a fact she is very much alive."

I stared at him, "Shit."

"Yeah, and I can't get them back without putting them in manually. Starfleet don't have a copy of her records because when I update them here they get changed back there too. Which means that because she's counted as dead on my computer, she's dead at Starfleet," Bones told me bitterly.

"So you're saying that someone came aboard last night and hacked your computer?" I checked, "And this _would _happen the one night Uhura isn't at her station."

"Lieutenant Uhura was with me last night-," Spock began coolly.

"Spare us the details," Bones snarled turning and glowering at Spock.

"She was bringing me the report on our most recent voyage to send to Starfleet seeing as our Captain failed to complete the paperwork," the Vulcan carried on regardless of the interruption. His searching eyes rested on me for a moment and I felt myself bristling.

"So this is my fault now?" I growled. I felt like my brain was pounding against my skull and I couldn't concentrate properly. Headaches always made me irritable.

"I am not placing the blame on you, Captain," Spock told me, "I am merely recounting the details of the incident last night."

"So what the hell do you suggest we do?" I asked, poking my cereal around my bowl with my spoon and not meeting anyone's gaze. I suddenly wasn't very hungry.

"You're the Captain, Jim," Bones told me moodily.

"Yeah," I sighed, "Yeah, I know." That doesn't mean they couldn't make a suggestion! Honestly. I sighed and got to my feet. "Right, Uhura and Chekov, I want you going through last night's CCTV footage with a fine toothed comb. Anything you find, tell me. And Bones, go fix your data files. Spock, get on to Starfleet and tell them what's happened."

There was a general nod of assent but I couldn't help noticing that Bones and Uhura were still glaring at me. I sighed and simply walked out of the canteen. I couldn't focus. I was going to look around the ship and try to find any evidence of a break in. Couldn't we ever have a _simple _day?


	2. Murder

**Author's Note:** **Thanks to Lilith Kayden for being my one and only reviewer! And thanks to all of you who added this to alerts or favourites! Please, don't be shy to leave a message! I love reviews! I hope you all enjoy this chapter!**

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After ten minutes of unproductive wandering I eventually gave up. I ran my hand through my hair and groaned. It was definitely time to go get painkillers from Bones. I was feeling more than a little dizzy. I dragged my feet to the Medical Bay with my eyes half closed. I pressed my hand to the panel by the door and it opened with a hiss, admitting me inside.

"Can I help you, Captain?" came a woman's voice from the desk by the door.

I looked blearily at her and nodded. "Painkiller," I said. She was a pretty girl; average height, blond hair and brown eyes. She smiled and turned away to look for a bottle of tablets for me. I glanced around the room and saw all the beds on the ward were empty - which is always a good thing. The door to Bones's office was closed and I smiled. I imagined he'd be hard at work restoring his nurse's documents. Was it this nurse? I was just about to ask when she returned.

"Here you are," the blond nurse smiled as she walked back to me with two white pills in her hand and a glass of water.

"Thanks," I said gratefully taking them from her. For some reason, I couldn't draw my eyes away from her. She raised an eyebrow slightly at me when she saw me staring and suddenly I had an overwhelming urge to hit her. I had no idea where it came from and it scared me. I took a step back hastily and stuffed the first tablet in my mouth and swallowed it with a gulp of water.

"Captain?" she said quizzically. She was worried about me.

I downed the other tablet and the rest of the water and placed the glass down on the desk beside me. My hand was shaking. I so badly wanted to hurt her; to cause her pain. I wanted to punch her in the face and wipe that concerned look off her face. As if I needed her concern? Why would I need that? _Hurt her, Jim. _I was shocked that such a thought was in my head but even more afraid that I actually wanted to do it. I clenched my fists by my sides and felt anger pounding through my veins. "Yes?"

"Do you want to lie down for a while? You don't look well," she said. She reached out and placed her hand on my forehead to check my temperature, "You're burning up."

"Really?" My head was pounding. My heart was racing. I couldn't think straight. I drew back from her touch abruptly. _Jim, make her suffer. She deserves it, Jim! Hurt her! _My thoughts were overwhelming.

"Yes," she said taking my arm tightly in her hand and attempting to drag me over to one of the beds, "Lie down and I'll get Doctor McCoy for you. He's just gone to talk with-."

"No!" I snarled furiously. I didn't need help. I didn't _want_ help! I was so angry. _Kill her, Jim! Kill her now!_ She was still holding my arm but looked bewildered. I hit out, trying to make her let me go. I kept hitting her. Blood? Where did that come from. It was on my hands; red and warm. _Yes, Jim, this is right! _I felt sick. I could barely see. _Keep going, Jim! _Someone was screaming. Who? _She deserved it!_ My knees were shaking beneath me. Crying. Was that me? Who was it? Something was wrong. _No, Jim, this is perfect! _Something was very wrong. I felt my hands tightening around her throat. I tried to stop. _No, Jim, keep going!_ Something smashed. I turned. I ran. Everything went black.

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Next thing I was aware of was sitting on the floor in an enclosed space. I blinked and my vision cleared slowly and the pristine white of the _Enterprise _toilets came into focus. I twisted around and saw the cubicle door was locked behind me. I rested my head back on it and sighed. My head was spinning and I couldn't even remember coming into the bathrooms. Why the hell was I sitting on the floor anyway? Last I remember was walking around the ship looking for something. Perhaps I'd come here on my search? Maybe I'd tripped and fallen. Hit my head or something.

Then I saw the blood on my hands. That confused me for a moment. Nosebleed? I struggled to my feet and slipped open the lock again. I peered out and saw the rest of the room was deserted. I hurried over the sinks and washed my hands carefully. I stared at my own reflection in the mirror. I was paler than normal - hell, I looked _ill. _I splashed some cold water on my face and shivered. There was a scratch on my left cheek. Maybe that's where the blood had come from? I didn't know.

"Jim!" came a voice over my comm. It was Bones and he sounded upset. "Get your ass here, now!"

"Right," I said and ran out of the toilets and down the corridor. People stood back to let me past and I burst into the Medical Bay and skidded to a halt. My stomach lurched and my heart shot into my throat. There as a woman lying sprawled on the floor with her eyes wide open and glassy. A nurse. I didn't know her name. Bones was kneeling down beside her looking devastated.

"She's dead, Jim," he told me. As if I didn't know. I wasn't blind.

"Who...?"

"Her name is Nurse Sally Miller. She's the one that was registered dead in my files this morning," Bones said quietly. "What I want to know is how the hell did she get murdered on board this ship? Looks like she got in a fight. She's... She's been strangled. I came in here and found her like this..."

I sat down on the floor beside Nurse Miller and buried my head in my hands, "I wish I knew, Bones. If we've got a killer on board, I'm gonna find them and make them pay."

"I'll fucking tear them apart limb from limb. Sal was one of my best nurses," Bones growled bitterly. I felt empty. The day had started badly and now somebody was dead. There was a murderer on board the _Enterprise_ and I had no idea who it was.

I got to my feet slowly, "Bones, can you deal with... With Nurse Miller. I'm going to get on to Starfleet and tell them what's happened."

Bones nodded, "Sure."

I smiled gratefully and looked around the room. There was blood pooling on the floor sprinkled with shards of broken glass. Suddenly, an image filled my head; an empty glass falling from the desk and shattering on the floor. The droplets of water only slightly diluted the flecks of blood. The red contrasted vividly with the pale floor. I gasped and shook my head slightly to rid the image from my mind. Bones was staring at me with concern in his eyes. I looked at him for a moment before sighing and walking out of the room. I needed to speak to Starfleet.

"Keptin?" came Chekov's voice from behind me as I strode briskly down the corridor towards the bridge.

"Yeah?" I asked as I slowed slightly and waited for him to catch up with me. "You found something?"

"The CCTV of last night has been erased," he told me with his eyes clouded with worry.

"What? All of it?"

"Everything," he confirmed.

I groaned. "Okay, just go and look again. Search everywhere. I'll get back to you later. I need to talk to Starfleet."

"I thought Commander Spock was-."

"Something's happened," I said and took off at a run back to the bridge. I blundered in through the door and found the crew members going about their daily jobs to perfection. I was proud of them, but for a moment I didn't have time to think about it. I spotted Spock standing in front of the Captain's chair staring at the blank screen in front of him on the window of the ship. "Spock?"

"Captain," he said, acknowledging my arrival, "I have informed Starfleet of our situation. They have just signed out."

"Get them back," I said, "We've... We've got a killer on board the ship."


	3. Going Back To Earth

**Author's Note:** **Big thank you to Josie, Lilith Kayden**, **annonymous_fog, Loesje and Frodo1512 for reviewing! That means a lot to me!**

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Starfleet told me to be vigilant and interview every single one of my crew members and return to Earth. I didn't really think interviewing my crew would help at all. I mean, the killer wasn't exactly gonna jump up and down in front of me and go, "It's me, Jim! I did it!" are they? But since it was the only plan I had, I had to just go with it.

"Would you like some assistance conducting the interviews, Captain?" Spock asked me as I flopped in my chair and tried to figure out how I should do this.

I nodded, "Yeah. Thanks. For one thing, I know it wasn't you. Starfleet can vouch for that." The Vulcan had been talking to them when Nurse Miller had been... Had been murdered.

"Indeed," Spock agreed. "Shall we use your office?"

"Yup," I said getting to my feet again, "Get my a full list of crew members and bring whoever's first on that list to the office." Spock nodded and walked off in the other direction as I left the bridge and made for my office.

"Jim!" Bones shouted from behind me. I could have hit someone. Would it kill them to let me go somewhere without being stopped in the corridors? I turned around and waited for him to carry on, "Jim, someone else has been marked dead on the files."

"Who is it this time?" I asked with a sinking heart.

"An engineer. Thomas Hunter," Bones replied sadly, "We can't let this go any further, Jim."

"I'm trying my hardest here, Bones, I really am. I'm away to interview the crew with Spock," I said urgently, willing him to turn around and go back to his work and let me do mine.

"I know you are, Jim," he said with a weak smile, clapping my shoulder, "Thanks."

I smiled back and then set off back to my office. When I got there, I found a tall, dark haired man standing there patiently. Great. _More _problems to deal with. "What is it?" I asked as I opened my office door and stepped inside, inviting the man in behind me. I'd seen him around but I couldn't remember his name.

"I just wanted to ask what's happening with... What's happening with Sally?" his voice faltered as he looked at me with wide baleful eyes, "It's just... She was my girlfriend, Captain."

I felt my heart aching in my chest. Why did I have to feel everything so much? Sometimes I wish I could just detach myself from everything and ignore it all. I didn't want to be a Captain when I was so confused and unsure. How can I offer leadership if I have no idea how to make the situation any better? I looked at the man and plastered a smile on my face and hoped I looked comforting, "We'll find who did this," I promised. _Really, Jim? _There was a sneering voice in my head. Doubt.

"Really?" he checked. _Who does he think he is? He's not convinced of your leadership skills! _I bit my lip, trying valiantly to ignore the voice in my head but it was becoming louder and louder.

"Really," I confirmed. I tried to keep my voice as confident as I could. _You don't need people with no faith in you, Jim. You don't need that! _I met the man's eyes for a moment before looking away. "You can go now," I said. Go, I urged quietly, get the hell out. _You should teach him to believe in you, Jim! _The voice said. I took a deep, steadying breath and perched on the edge of the desk in the middle of the room. The man stared at me for a moment, puzzled by my odd behaviour.

"If there's anything I can help with, Captain?" the man asked almost hopefully. _He doesn't believe you can do this on your own. Make him pay._

"No," I said a little to quickly, "I'll... I'll manage by myself. Commander Spock will be here soon." _Make him pay, Jim! You need a crew you can trust. You need to set an example! _My heart was pounding violently against my chest and I felt strangely claustrophobic. My phaser gun was sitting on the desk just beside my hand. _Pick it up, Jim! _I didn't know where these half crazed thoughts were coming from but I didn't like them. That wasn't how I thought! That wasn't what I did. I loved my crew very much and I wouldn't hurt any of them! I could _never _hurt them. I couldn't do that. _Shoot him, Jim! Make an example! Do it, Jim! Now! Pick up the gun and shoot him! Then the crew will know not to doubt you! _

Dizziness. A scream. Something dropped from my hand. The phaser. No. No! I didn't! No! Please, no! Suddenly, darkness pressed against my eyes and everything went black.

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"We'll be back on Earth in three hours, Doctor McCoy," a voice said from somewhere above me. I kept my eyes shut tightly and winced in pain. My head was pounding. "I have told Starfleet of our return," the voice carried on. Spock, I thought.

"What did Starfleet say when you told them our killer has managed to kill a nurse, an engineer and knock out our Captain?" McCoy's voice said. I could have burst into tears, if I did that sort of thing. I couldn't even remember being attacked! What the hell was going on here?


	4. The Mind Meld

**Author's Note:** **Big thank you to Josie ****for reviewing the last chapter! Please, everyone, don't be afraid to review! I love reviews!**

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I tried to sit up slowly but I felt someone's hands on my shoulders, pressing me down into the bed, "Don't move. You've hit your head." It was Bones. I winced slightly and shut my eyes tightly before trying to open them again. The whole room felt vividly bright and it was dazzling.

"What...?" I mumbled stupidly.

"There's been another attack," Spock told me from beside my bed. He was standing with his hands behind his back looking as blank as ever. "Thomas Hunter was shot with a standard issue phaser gun. We think they were aiming to kill you but were interrupted. You fell and hit your head on the edge of your desk." I groaned. I couldn't remember any of that. Spock carried on, "Lieutenant Uhura has found our CCTV systems damaged and has requested the aid of technicians. They are currently trying to restore the data. Until that is possible, we cannot begin to find the killer."

"And we're on our way back to Earth," Bones added as he shone lights into my eyes. "I reckon you're going to be fine, by the way."

"Okay," I nodded, "Then can I go back to the bridge?"

"No," Bones laughed and I glared at the floor, "I'm keeping you here until we get back to Starfleet. We can't leave you unsupervised until we find out who killed Thomas and Sally."

"They were a couple," I said suddenly looking at Bones and Spock.

"When did you find that out?" Bones asked me, puzzled.

I stared at him blankly. I tried to remember when I'd learnt that Thomas and Sally were an item, "Er. I... I dunno." And I didn't. No matter how hard I tried to remember talking to Thomas or Sally, I couldn't. I very rarely saw either of them. Scotty was always the one I dealt with concerning engineering and Bones wouldn't let anyone else near me medical wise. He said I'd scare them or something. Me? As if.

"I can give you a mild sedative, Jim, and that should see you through to Earth," he told me. I shook my head urgently; I didn't want any medicine. I wanted to be awake and going around again. I hated being so useless. Typcially, Bones ignored be and stabbed in the neck anyway. I cried out in pain before feeling the edges of my world turn fuzzy. I blinked slowly and looked at Bones. He was a little blurry but still visible. He smiled at me before talking again, "Spock thinks it might be a good idea to Meld with you and try and find out what happened to Thomas."

"I said I didn't know," I slurred. I was tired. Damn Bones and his drugs.

"Yes, but just because you cannot find the information does not mean it isn't there," Spock said coolly.

I wasn't sure. Last time I'd experienced a Vulcan Mind Meld wasn't pleasant. I gripped the cuff of my shirt tightly in my hand and shut my eyes tightly for a moment. If it was going to help me find who'd murdered Thomas and Sally then it had to be a good thing, right? "Okay," I whispered, "But..."

"But what, Jim?" Bones asked almost impatiently.

I met Spock's intense gaze for and asked, "Is this gonna hurt?" I know I sounded like a small child but I needed to know.

"Done correctly a Meld shouldn't cause either party pain," Spock told me, "May I?"

I took a deep breath and nodded, "Yeah." I slumped back on my pillows and shut my eyes tightly. After a few moments I felt Spock's hands on either side of my face. I shivered slightly and as I felt an odd sensation - almost like something brushing over my mind. Various images flashed into my head as Spock surfed through them gently. It was mildly uncomfortable for a moment but I could feel myself calming down thanks to Bones's sedative and Spock's gentle whispers in my mind. Suddenly I gasped as an image filled my head and became so violently real that I actually felt afraid.

_I was standing in my office, by the desk talking to a man - Thomas Hunter the engineer. We were talking but I wasn't really hearing what he was saying. I was seeing the scene through my own eyes and I could feel every sensation as though this were more than just a memory. I felt myself becoming agitated and afraid. Thomas offered to help me with the investigations into Sally's death but I turned him down. My heart was racing. _

_Then I saw the phaser gun lying on the desk. It was just lying there; a weapon that could save a life as well as end one. My thoughts were scrambled and I couldn't pick them apart to understand what they were saying. Then the gun was in my hand. I brought it to face Thomas. His expression darkened and turned fearful. He opened his mouth to cry out. Too late. The beam hit him square in the chest and he fell backwards onto the floor. I took a stumbled. I was horrified. I'd just killed a man! I was a murderer! I made to help Thomas but suddenly I fell. My head hit the table with a sickening crack and then all I saw was the darkness._

The next thing I was aware of was a burning pain right through my head. I screamed and struggled but the fire was spreading, clouding everything.

"Spock!" I heard Bones shout from a long way off, "Spock let go of him!" The pain was searing through my body, not just my head. It felt like every single one of my nerves was burning up. I heard Bones yelling, "Spock! Enough! Let him go!"

Spock's hands fell from my face and the fire instantly died down. I was sweating and shivering but I was conscious. I could see everything in horrible clarity. I could see everything - and that meant I didn't miss the look of utter shock, horror and revulsion on Spock's usually calm face.


	5. Why?

**Author's Note:** **Big thank you toeveryone ****for reviewing the last chapter! I was blown over by the amount of awesome reviews I got last chapter! **

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I thought I was going to be sick. Spock and I stared at each other for a long time before he turned around and walked right out of the room. Bones looked after him with confusion written all over his face. I bit my lip and tried to figure out what I should do next. I couldn't believe what I'd just seen. Had I really killed Thomas Hunter? Was I really capable of killing one of my own crew?

"What's up with him?" Bones asked me."What did you see?"

"I..." I began uselessly. I didn't know what to say to him so I just sat there and looked at him. How could I tell my best friend that I was a murderer? _Was_ I a murderer? I had to be! I'd picked up the phaser. I'd shot Thomas. Why? _Why? _I just didn't understand. Why would I do something like that?

"Jim!" Bones said, putting an arm awkwardly around my shoulders, "What happened?"

I shook my head stubbornly both because I couldn't think what to say and that I didn't want to tell him. Then moments later Spock walked back into the room with a mutual expression again. He tuned and looked at Bones, "Doctor McCoy, I request that you leave the room. I require to speak with the Captain."

Bones looked wary, "You nearly fried his brain there, Spock! How do I know you're not going to do that again?"

"What reason have I to perform the Meld again?" he retorted evenly with a slight raised eyebrow. The Vulcan turned to me expectantly.

"Uh," I said uselessly. So much for good leadership! I mentally shook myself and then said, "Yeah. Yeah, whatever. Bones, go."

"But-."

"That's an order," I snapped grumpily. My friend sighed and after throwing one more worried glance in my direction, stalked out of the room towards his office. When we were certain he was out of earshot I spoke again, "So... What now?"

"Why did you do it, Jim?" my first officer asked carefully. As usual, his expression was unreadable and I shifted uncomfortably in the bed. Spock didn't take his eyes off me.

"I didn't know," I whispered, "I can't have done it!" I felt myself getting worked up and there was nothing I could do about it. I was rocking back and forth slightly, restless.

"You did," Spock said bluntly, "We both saw it."

What the hell was I meant to say to that? I stared mutely at him and then buried my head in my hands in frustration. I couldn't see how this could have happened. "What am I gonna do, Spock?" I asked eventually. "We're going to have to tell Starfleet? I'll lose my job! I'll lose everything!"

"Not if I can help it," Spock told me.

"What?" I whispered, puzzled. Spock was actually trying to help me? How did he intend to stop Starfleet kicking me out? I was murderer! They couldn't have people like that on their ships. But Spock was a well-known and valued member of Starfleet. Surely they'd listen to him? Right? But still, how did he intend to prove my innocence?

"I can help you," he said firmly, "I do not believe you acted of your own free will. I will have tests carried out on you to find out why you acted as you did." He paused for a moment. "Unless you know yourself?"

I shook my head slowly, "No idea."

"Well, I will get Doctor-."

"No, wait!" I said suddenly, "This morning..."

"Yes?"

"I had this dream last night," I said carefully, "I can't really remember what happened. But it was strange, I wasn't even going to bed when it happened. I woke up still in my uniform and everything. Then I had this bitch of a headache all morning."

"I will ask Doctor McCoy to give you a full medical check. Would you like me to report the situation to him?" Spock asked.

"Yeah," I nodded, "Thanks." Now to find out what had turned me into a cold blooded killer.


	6. No Control

**Author's Note:** **Sorry it took so long to update. I really am. Updates might be slow right now for personal reasons. Thank you all for your patience and support.**

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We returned to the edge of Earth's atmosphere in a matter of hours. McCoy had stabbed another sedative in my neck to tide me through to getting back after Spock had told him about the Mind Meld and my dream. He said he'd do a full medical check when we got to the Starfleet hospital. He said there was much more he could do for me there. Eventually he dragged me to my feet and half carried me to the shuttle that would take us down to the planet surface. I was horribly aware of the crew looking at me suspiciously as we went down. I couldn't tell if they knew I was a killer; I might just have imagined that. I was grateful to my first officer though. Spock went along beside us telling everyone to stop staring and get on with whatever they were doing.

"You okay, Jim?" Bones asked as he strapped me into a seat beside him. I couldn't think of a better answer so I just shrugged and let my head fall against the window. I could see the planet below me; it was a familiar mess of blue, green and white but familiar didn't always mean home. The _Enterprise _was more a home to me than Earth. It didn't take long to dock in the Starfleet hanger. I was feeling more awake by then and I could walk by myself without Bones trying to keep me going in the right direction.

"Captain Kirk," a man said as he stopped in front of me. I looked at him for a moment and vaguely recognised him as some high up power in Starfleet. I couldn't remember his name.

"Yeah?" I replied trying to look as official as I could.

"Welcome back. I trust you have things under control as far as your remaining crew are concerned?" the man asked me. I gaped him stupidly. What the hell did he mean? We came home because the situation _wasn't _"under control".

"Captain Kirk has fallen unwell on the journey home," said an even voice from behind Bones and I. I turned around and saw, as I expected, Spock standing with his hands behind his back looking serious. "With respect, sir, he should report to the hospital immediately for further checks. It is only logical to ensure the Captain is in good health."

The man surveyed us for a moment before nodding, "Very well. I will assist the _Enterprise _crew in your absence, Kirk."

"Thanks," I nodded before Bones tugged on my arm and pulled me off in the direction of the hospital - a place I was not unfamiliar with. Spock followed us closely and wordlessly and it made me feel slightly uncomfortable after a while. It was almost like he didn't trust me but then again, what reason did he have to trust me? I'd killed two of my own crew! How did that make me trustworthy?

When we reached the sterile white of the hospital, Bones registered us at the reception desk and then dragged me off to one of the private surgerys. I hated the smell of antiseptic spray and bleach. At least I knew the place was clean, I guess, although the smell didn't do much for the sickly.

"Sit there," Bones said pointing to the bed in the corner of the room. I did as I was told and jumped on to the clean paper sheets. Spock stood patiently by the door. Bones returned with an odd looking instrument and I felt my stomach flip over. The next fifteen minutes saw me being prodded with various things; listening to my heart; listening to my breathing; shining lights in my eyes, up my nose, in my ears; and my loud complaints.

"Right," Bones said eventually, "We're going to do a brain scan, Jim. See what that comes up with."

"Will that hurt?" I asked immediately, wide eyed.

"Surely the pain would mean little if the course of action is logical?" Spock said with a slightly raised eyebrow. I resisted the temptation give some sarky reply and just nodded.

"But no," Bones said rolling his eyes, "It won't hurt. Seriously, Jim, I've seen little children deal with medical checks much better than you. You do know you're a bit of a coward?"

"Yup," I grinned. Bones rolled his eyes and went to set up his equipment. As soon as his back was turned, the smile fell from my face and all I could feel was complete hatred for myself.

"Come here, Jim," the doctor said. He'd set up some sort of metal bubble-shaped helmet. I walked slowly over to him after sliding down of the bed and sat down on the chair underneath the helmet. Bones pulled it down over my head and I couldn't see anything but a tiny blue light in front of me. A few seconds later the little blue light began to circle my head slowly. I tried to follow it's progress but I felt Bones shake my shoulder, "Sit still!"

When we were done, Bones walked off to do analyse the results in his office leaving me with Spock. We looked at each other for a moment before he spoke. "I do not believe you wanted to kill them, Jim."

"I didn't," I insisted feeling panic rising in my throat. We were both silent for a moment before I asked the question that had been burning inside me for a few hours now. "You're going to have to tell Starfleet aren't you?"

"That would be logical," he nodded.

_No, don't let him, Jim! _The voice. It was back. I tensed and clenched my fists so hard my nails dug into my palms. "But I could lose my job!"

"That is unlikely if Doctor McCoy's tests say you are not responsible for your actions," Spock said calmly, "But I see it best that they know."

_They won't let you be Captain! They'll take away your ship! _My hands shot up and covered my ears and I shut my eyes tightly. I couldn't be hearing this again. I didn't want to be arguing with my own mind again. _Stop him, Jim! Kill him! You know you can! You've done it before! _No! No! Don't.

"Jim?" Spock asked, gliding towards me and kneeling down in front of me, "Are you all right?"

Then my hands were round his throat. He was so near and all I had to do was stop him breathing. Starfleet would never know! No! I tried to stop myself. I really did. Nothing. I couldn't control myself. It was like my mind was horribly separate from my body and no matter what I thought, I couldn't take my hands from his throat. Then I felt Spock grab my wrists and then suddenly I collided with the wall at the other side of the room. The next thing I knew was unbelievable pain. It was like my whole body was freezing and burning at the same time. My head was throbbing and my vision blurred. I knew at once this hand nothing to do with being thrown off a wall by a Vulcan.

"Doctor McCoy!" I heard Spock calling with the closet he came to urgency. Then I felt my friend's hands on my face, turning my head to look at him.

"I thought so," he sighed before turning to Spock. I could barely hear. There was a loud buzzing in my ears that got louder and louder. "It's a parasite, Spock. It infects the brain and lives on the emotions triggered by a murder. You know, rage and fear. Guilt. Everything negative. It needs murder to survive and it's not getting enough. Jim hasn't got any control over this at all."


	7. Hang On In There

**Author's Note:** **Thank you so much to everyone who's taken the time to read, review, alert and favourite! That means the world to me! **

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"Jim! Jim, can you hear me?" someone said. Bones. I felt his hands on my face holding my head tightly. I kept my eyes tightly shut and couldn't make myself answer him. I tried but all the left my lips was a choked moan. I curled in on myself and hugged my knees. All I could feel was pain. Burning. Ice. I was sweating and I felt disgusting. I was uncomfortable and I felt sick.

I felt someone scoop me up like I was a small child and carry me to the bed again. I shivered and forced myself to open my eyes. Everything was hazy and blurred. I could make out the face of Spock looking at me in concern. The door opened somewhere to my right and I tried to figure out who it was as Bones threw open the door. It hit the wall with a bang that rung around my head like a gunshot.

"Lieutenant Uhura" Bones said from what seemed like a long way off, "In case you haven't noticed, I'm a bit busy here. I'm sure whatever you want can wait. Go see one of the nurses."

"No," she told him firmly, "I came to see if the Captain's okay."

"Well, no he's not. So let me get on with my work," Bones snarled. I struggled to concentrate. Behind the sharp pain invading every inch of my body, a dull ache was squeezing my muscles tightly. It was getting harder to breathe. I could still hear the voice of the parasite. It was screaming at me. It was screaming for blood. It was screaming for death.

"Let me help," Uhura insisted. If I squinted I could see her pushing past the doctor and coming over to my bedside. I heard her sharp intake of breath and I shut my eyes again. Uhura seemed worried. "Doctor McCoy," she said, "Can't you give him some sedative or something?"

"No," Bones said. Oh for fuck's sake. I could have throttled him. I _want _the sedatives! For once in my life I'd beg for them if he wanted me to! I know Bones though; if he thinks I'm better off without them, without them I will be. I groaned and clutched my stomach tightly. I felt like I was gonna throw up. It was horrible. Then I felt Uhura's hand on my forehead. I couldn't really hear what she was saying to me but knowing someone was there made me feel a bit calmer. A bit. A very little bit.

"I think our best bet would be to perform the Mind Meld again and see if we can connect with the parasite," I heard Bones say firmly to Spock.

I tensed and tried to get up, "No!" Not the Meld again. It hurt! I know that's childish, but it's true!

"Jim! It's the only way," Bones snapped, "Spock? You okay with that?"

"That seems logical. If we enter his mind then we can figure out how much control the parasite has over him." Spock agreed.

"But-," I began before something resembling an electric shock shot through my body and I doubled over in pain.

"Jim. It's going to be fine," Uhura said quietly, pushing my hair off of my forehead and taking my hand gently. I felt stupid but hell was I glad to have a hand to hold. Bones was holding me down and I've got to hand it to him; that was quite a feat. I knew I was crying but I couldn't really do anything about it. I couldn't do anything about anything. My whole body was shuddering violently and my head was spinning. Everything was crashing into fuzzy darkness. Everything. Darkness was consuming me. I was going to die! I didn't want to die!

Then I felt cool fingers pressed against the side of my head. I felt Spock inside me almost immediately, feeling at the corners of my mind and forcing himself into my consciousness. I tried to push him out because I was afraid. He forced himself calmly on he though and I became less and less aware of my body. It felt the same as last time; like someone was brushing over my mind. I whimpered pathetically and then relaxed. Spock wouldn't hurt me. He wouldn't. He surfed through various memories and thoughts like a swan gliding on a lake and I felt fine.

Then pain shot through me like a bullet. I cried out in utter panic and shock. I heard someone screaming in my head. Gradually I became less aware of Spock's mind with mine and I suddenly felt empty and alone. The undiluted pain was rocketing through me freely once I could feel my body again. Spock's fingers were still on my head. He was still Melding - but it wasn't with me. I was just a link.

And then everything stopped.

"Jim!" someone shouted. The sound was muffled and I didn't recognise the voice. I didn't recognise anything. I felt like I was floating. I wanted to laugh. I was warm and safe. I wasn't in pain.

"Jim! Wake up!" someone else cried. Were they talking to me? They must be.

"Can you hear me?" the first voice said. Yes. Yes, I can hear you. I couldn't open my mouth and say it though. My mouth wouldn't work.

"Don't go, Jim. Hang on in there," a woman begged. I wasn't going anywhere. What was she so worried about. Besides, I was _safe _here. I couldn't feel anything here. It was just me and my mind. I was tired though. So tired. Tired... But something was tugging on my thoughts. It was like being pulled out of water. I tried to resist. I didn't want to go back to the hurting.

"You're not giving up on me that easily, kid," someone snapped. Then less than thirty seconds later I felt something shoot through me. Electricity. My eyes flew open. I sucked in a painful gulp of air and lay helplessly on the bed. The pain was back but it had become dull and thudding rather than sharp. I opened my eyes slowly but everything seemed too bright. My heart was racing. I winced slightly as I tried to look around the room. Bones was to the left of me and Uhura to the right. They both looked worried. Uhura had tears in her eyes. Bones was shaking slightly and then his face broke into a smile and he hugged me. Bones isn't usually a hugging person. "I thought we'd lost you there, Jim" he said quietly.

"Huh?" I said stupidly. My mouth felt like it was filled with sand. Then I noticed Spock standing by the door with a strange look in his eyes. He was usually so controlled but he looked different. I looked questioningly at him but he just stared back at me.

"You stopped breathing, you idiot," Bones said with a relieved laugh as he let go of me, "You're lucky Spock wanted to save you."

"Wha...?" I said, struggling to even complete a word.

"Using the Mind Meld I was able to hold on to your consciousness for long enough for Doctor McCoy to revive you," Spock said evenly. Uhura got up quietly and went to his side and put an arm around his shoulders. Clearly whatever had happened had hurt him too.

"Thanks," I said quietly, meaning it.

"I think your parasite is dead though," Bones told me gently, "I think the Meld was too intense for it. We thought it was going to take you with it."

"Me too," I admitted.

"I'm just going to give you a quick check over and then we're going to try find out who did this. I think Spock has some information for us?" Bones said. Spock nodded but said nothing. Next thing I knew was the familiar shock of the hypospray Bones seemed to love so much. Then I fell into a dreamless sleep.


	8. Nice Try Kiddo

**Author's Note:** **Sorry it took so long to update! Things have been a bit mad and it took me a while to get this right.**

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I became restless as I slept. It felt like the world was swirling and moving. I dreamt about hushed voices, people shouting, cold laughter... None of it made any sense but it was frightening anyway. I don't know how long I was out for but I felt terrible when I woke up. I knew at once something was wrong. Something was different. I was cold to start with. The medical bay was _never _cold. It was difficult to think for a moment and then I remembered everything that had happened. Bones. Spock. The Mind Meld. The parasite. The pain. I slowly opened my eyes and looked around the room in confusion. For a moment my vision was blurred but everything came into focus pretty quickly. I looked dazedly around. This wasn't right. I had been in the medical bay before. I frowned.

"Ah!" someone laughed from nearby, "Jim!" I looked around frantically as I forced myself into a sitting position, taking in the dark metal walls and various chains and dangerous looking implements lying around the room. I tensed slightly as my eyes fell on a man standing in the corner of the room. He was tall, big built and had dark black hair styled in some sort of dodgy comb-over. I would have laughed if I hadn't been so confused and worried.

"Who are you?" I demanded as I watched the man walking closer to me like a wild animal stalking it's prey. I swung my feet over the edge of the cold, metal bed I'd been placed on and made to stand up but two people grabbed my arms and forced me down again. I snarled and kicked out at them, striking the man on my left in the stomach as he tried to make me lie down. He groaned and let go of me and the other man swung his fist into my nose. I lashed out blindly and threw myself at my attacker and pulled his head down into his chest and kicked him in the groin. He doubled over as made a dash for the door at the other side of the room. The man I'd hit first grabbed me around the waist pinning my arms to my sides with one heavy arm and swung his other arm around my throat.

I stamped on his foot but it had little effect. He just tightened his grip on me and tried to drag me back to the man in the corner of the room. He'd watched the whole event with a cruel smile on his face as though he'd known I wouldn't make it out of the room.

"Nice try, kiddo," he said playfully slapping my cheek. He wore a dark suit and it was spotless. You know when you find something that's so bloody clean that it's scary? Well, it was like that.

"Who the hell are you?" I asked again, hoping this time for an answer.

"That's not important," he laughed. I recognised the voice from somewhere but I couldn't quite place it.

"I think it is," I argued with a scowl on my face as I tried to loosen my captors grip by elbowing him in the stomach with all the force I could muster. "At least tell me where I am. How did you get me here?"

He laughed in my face again and my fists curled into balls, my nails digging into my palms. He smirked and ran an immaculately clean hand down my cheek and cupped my jaw in his grip. My stomach flipped violently as he leered at me. "I got you here because Starfleet aren't as smart as they think they are," he told me, "It was very easy, you know."

"No. I don't know. Tell me," I said darkly.

He smiled, "As you wish. It only took a bit of blackmail. Young cadets can be very co-operative if you find the right ones."

"Right, so you forced some cadet to let you in. How did you find me? And how the hell did you get me out of there?" I demanded. I wasn't really understanding this. Bones would have kicked up a fuss. And Spock. It just didn't make any sense. I wished Bones hadn't stabbed me with that damn hypo. Then I might not have gotten in to this mess. But then again, maybe I wouldn't have been any use the state I was in before.

"I believe phasers to be an incredibly useful tool," the man smirked, "I have your buddies here. So don't even think about them trying to save you. I got you all out by telling the guards you were all on your way to a specialist hospital out of town after that parasite in your head made you attack your friends. I had uniform, so they had no reason not to believe me. And when they realise they made a mistake, it'll be too late. They'll never see you again."

"And they believed you?" I snorted.

"Well, you're here, aren't you?" he smirked pinching my cheek like an annoying, over-enthusiastic father.

"Where's McCoy? And Spock? You said you had him here too?" I said, changing the subject quickly. That smile again. Seriously, if I could have knocked the bastard's teeth out, I would have. I wished he'd stop touching me because it was making me uncomfortable.

"They'll be all right," he leered, "My friends are looking after them for me." I didn't like the sound of that at all.

"Why've you brought me here, man? You infected me with that... parasite?" Everything was starting to make sense. The dream! This was the man that had been talking in that dream I'd had. I could remember pieces of it after Spock had found it in the Mind Meld.

"Clever, aren't you?" he sniggered. His pale eyes twinkled as he laughed at me.

"Answer me."

"Yes, it was me. And I brought you here because I want to make sure your daddy really does pay for what he did to me. And to make Starfleet pay."


	9. Not For Much Longer

**Author's Note:** **Special apologies to Swany, to whom I promised an update on Friday. Sorry, I meant to do it on Friday but I had to leave for Pack Holiday earlier than I thought and I didn't have time. And school... well. I just started my new timetable last week and things are insane! I don't like this lots of homework lark. Ah well. I hope you enjoy this chapter. **

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I was thrown into a small cell roughly and I cried out as I hit the cold steel floor. The man who'd been restraining me guffawed stupidly as he turned and walked away after locking the door behind him. After I was sure he was gone, I got to my feet and walked over to the door and peered out of the tiny square barred window. All I could see was a blank metal wall at the other side of the corridor. It was a dingy place. Everything was cold and grey. I sighed and looked around my cell. I was surprised to see a transparent wall to my left. It seemed to be made out of some sort of plastic. Then I saw Bones.

"Jim?" he whispered from the other side of the plastic. He got to his feet and hurried over to the divide between us. There was a long line of small air holes in the plastic meaning I could hear him.

"Bones!" I said urgently walking to the plastic, "You okay? Did they hurt you? Where's Spock?"

"Calm down, Jim!" he insisted, "I'm fine. Spock's fine, I think. He was put in a different cell."

"Who are they?" I wanted to know.

"You don't know…?" Bones said, his voice tailing off in almost disbelief.

"No!" I was confused. What did he know that I didn't? _Should _I know who'd kidnapped me? "They didn't tell me."

Bones sighed. "I thought you'd have known, though." He still looked incredulous. I could have hit him right there if I wasn't separated.

"Well I don't. So are you going to tell me or just marvel at my stupidity?" I snapped.

"Jim, that man is Brennan Grimsby. A murderer. A traitor to Starfleet," he told me with wide eyes and a bitter tone in his voice, "He's got this vendetta against Starfleet after he was thrown out years back. You really didn't know?" I wished he'd stop asking that. I'd already told him I didn't.

"How come you know about him?" I asked after a moment, suspicious.

"It was in one of the newspapers in the Academy library. I came across it when I was researching an essay. It said he was expelled for spilling the location of an important federation ship to Klingons. The Klingons blew them out of the air not long after. He killed a boy in his year at the Academy when he tried to tell him not to do it," Bones told me with a grim expression.

"And how does this link to my Dad?" I frowned. I didn't see the connection. Apparently, neither did Bones. He shrugged helplessly at me. For a long time we just stood quietly and looked at each other. My stomach growled. I was starving. I hadn't really eaten much since breakfast and even then I'd only had a few spoonfuls. I sighed and sank down onto the floor. "Where's Spock?" I asked eventually.

"In another cell," Bones said blunty, "They split us all up. They've got Uhura too."

I didn't know what to say for a moment. "What are we gonna do? Where the hell are we, anyway?" I wanted to know finally.

"No idea for the first, orbiting Venus for the second," Bones said as he sat down in his cell too. "They were talking about it earlier on down here. The guards, that is."

"Right," I nodded. "Well, I guess we're gonna have to wait until they come back for us."

"Hell knows how long that'll be," Bones muttered darkly. "They might just leave us here to die."

"Don't say that. We're not going to die," I countered immediately.

"Jim, you don't know that," he said quietly. Although I had my back to him, I knew he was looking at me now. I didn't look around. I just stared at the blank metal wall opposite me. The room was stuffy and I was uncomfortable. I could feel my uniform sticking to me. I didn't know how long I could last there.

"Yes I do," I said firmly. "I'm gonna find us a way out of here." He didn't reply so I didn't say anything else. We just sat in an almost awkward silence. Eventually I stood up and examined the room and looked into the cell next to me where Bones was sitting in the corner. There seemed to be a rusty old air vent in his cell that was feebly puffing air in to the rooms. The air holes in the plastic were the only means of fresh air getting into my cell. There were no windows. The door was heavy and metal, as was the other three walls. There was no escape.

As the air became incresingly musty, the temperature got wamer and I felt drowsy. After a while the door opened and I blinked in surprise. I stood against the wall and watched as Brennan Grimsby walked over to me with a smug smile on his face. "So. Mr Kirk."

"Captain Kirk," I corrected defiantly.

He gave a cold laugh and then reached out suddenly, grabbing me by the shoulders and slamming me against the wall. "You won't be a Captain much longer. When Starfleet find out you're a murderer..."

"They won't believe you," I said but I heard a nervous tremor in my voice and I cursed it. I was aware of Bones watching from his cell, uncertain about what to do.

"Really? What if you're Vulcan friend told them? They'd believe him," Brennan smiled as he pressed me harder against the wall. "He knows you did it."

"He knows you made me do it," I retorted.

"Yes, but I said I'd kill you if he didn't tell them _you _did it on your own accord."

I stared at him. I had no answer for him. After a moment, I struggled and kicked him in the stomach. He slammed my head against the wall and for a moment the world spun. I made a blind lunge for him but found myself pushed to the ground. I heard the door close only seconds later and the click of a lock. I was trapped again. I was going to lose my job and from here there was nothing I could do about it. I'd thought Brennan was going to kill me but no. He was going to disgrace me. Ruin my life. I couldn't let him do that! But how could I stop him...?

I curled up in a corner and rested my head on the floor. I shut my eyes and tried t to pretend I was somewhere else. On the _Enterprise. _I imagined it was a normal day. Everything was fine. Scotty was telling me how the engines were being improved. Uhura was translating some Klingon message. Spock was wandering around looking like a blank, cold stone. I drew a picture of him in my mind. The straight backed stance, the raised eyebrow, the emotionless expression... Then I thought about Bones walking around the Bridge snapping at me for something silly like the fact I'd stolen a sticking plaster from the first aid box without telling him. Stuff like that. Man, I wanted to be back on the _Enterprise. _I belonged there.

"Jim?" Bones said softly after a while. "Are you okay?"

I didn't answer him. I didn't even open my eyes. I just lay there, quietly clinging to the image of the _Enterprise _and her magnificent crew.


	10. He Is A Murderer

**Author's Note:** **An update! Shock horror! Hope you enjoy this one! Thank you all for your lovely comments. If I haven't got round to replying to everyone, I'm sorry, and your reviews are greatly appreciated, seriously, they make my day. **

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I was shaken awake less than gently what could have been minutes of hours later. Before I'd even had a chance to regain my bearings I was being thrust against the wall of my cell. I blinked in shock and stared into the face of Brennan Grimsby. He smirked at me in that horrible way I seemed to be so familiar with. "Hello, Jim."

"Hi," I said with slightly raised eyebrows, "What d'you want now?" I didn't care what he wanted really; as if I'd give it to him.

"I want to show you something," he smiled.

"Oh?" I tried to sound politely interested despite the fact my heart was skipping in my chest. I risked a glance sideways to Bones' cell. He was standing against the plastic divide with one hand on it as though he was trying to reach me. I looked at him and he nodded encouragingly. I turned back to my tormentor and smiled carefully at him, "What d'you want to show me?" I asked eventually.

"Come with me," he said and gripped my upper arm, tugging me out of the room. I tried to pull away from him feeling annoyed and undignified. I didn't need shepherding. Okay, if I were him I'd drag my prisoner around too – especially if they'd already tried to fight their way out of the place. I followed him along the corridor I'd already seen earlier on and watched carefully, trying to memorise every single inch of my surroundings incase I needed a quick getaway later on.

It didn't take us long to reach the Bridge of the ship. It was elaborate and advanced and I couldn't help but think she would give the _Enterprise _a run for her money. There was a large screen at the far end of the room and several men were bustling around it making notes and talking in hushed voices. As Brennan pulled me forwards, I focussed on the screen. My jaw dropped in surprise as I recognised the man on the screen. "Uhura!" I blurted out in surprise.

"You recognise her?" Brennan asked with a slight raised eyebrow. There was an excited glimmer in his eyes as he looked at me. I didn't like it. It made me feel more than a little nervous.

"Is that…?" I began with my heart racing, "Is that the _Enterprise_?" It couldn't be? Surely the rest of the crew would be making the best of their shore leave and they wouldn't know about any of this? As far as they were concerned I was in a hospital awaiting specialist medical care.

"Yes, Jim, I believe it is," Brennan said as we walked towards the screen. "We were hailed a few minutes ago." He had a thoughtful expression on his face for a few seconds before he placed a hand in the small of my back and pushed me forwards. "Go speak to her."

I glanced at Brennan for a moment before walking forwards past the Captain's chair avoiding the gaze of the crewmembers staring at me in evident curiosity. Uhura looked faintly surprised to see me but relieved none the less. Maybe they'd been looking for me then? But how did they know where to find me…? None of this was making any sense.

"Lieutenant," I said formally. It wouldn't do me any good for them to know I was friends with Uhura. Brennan would find a way of using that against me.

"Captain Kirk," she nodded, "I've been placed in the position of Acting Captain in your absence. Are you well?" She seemed to figure out I was trying to keep this as professional as possible.

"Yes," I replied nodding slowly, "Why did you hail this ship?"

Uhura paused before answering and in that significant look that passed between us I knew that what she was about to say wasn't strictly true. She said, "I was trailing a Klingon fleet and this vessel came up on our radar. We weren't expecting to find you here. Starfleet said you were in a specialist hospital? I didn't know that would be on another ship -especially one outside the Federation"

I didn't know what to say next. I frowned slightly and tried to think clearly. It turned out I didn't need to say anything at all. Suddenly, Pavel Chekov appeared on the screen beside Uhura looking troubled and slightly upset. "Keptin?"

"Yes?" both Uhura and I replied at the same time. She looked at me with a small smile and then turned back to the young Ensign. "What is it, Chekov?"  
"We have a message from Starfleet," he said, casting a quick glance in my direction. The look of pure venom that burned in his eyes then burned my heart like fire. I opened my mouth to say something but I was cut off by Chekov. He carried on talking, "They say we should, under no circumstances make contact with Keptin Kirk. He is… He is a murderer."

My stomach clenched violently and my world spun. Spock had done it then. He'd told Starfleet. Uhura looked shocked and her gaze flickered between Chekov and I. I felt numb. My career was turned on its head. Spock would be safe for the time being though, and I guessed I should be grateful for that. I was, but I couldn't help but wonder what would happen to us all now. Brennan wouldn't be finished toying with us. He wouldn't just ruin my career and leave it at that. He'd want my name in the mud for good. He'd want to ensure my complete and utter humiliation and he was going to make my friends do it. I knew that would hurt them as much as it did me.

I felt an arm around my shoulders and Brennan pulled me against him with a false caring expression, "Aw."

"Uhura-," I began, ignoring Brennan.

She shook her head. "I know, Captain," she said firmly. That was all she needed to say. She'd been there when Bones had discovered the parasite. She knew everything.

"Starfleet say anyone caught fraternizing with Kirk will face consequences," Chekov added, looking imploringly at Uhura.


	11. You'll Never Break Me

**Author's Note:** **School drives me mad sometimes, it really does. Term ends tomorrow though, so all is good! I can update more often! Thank you to everyone who's been patient with me! You're reviews, alerts and favourites mean a lot to me! Nothing like a review to make me feel a hell of a lot better about how hard school is. **

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For a moment there was silence. Nobody said anything for what felt like forever. Chekov was openly confused and upset but there was nothing I could do from where I was. Uhura looked straight at Brennan and I before eventually saying, "Captain Kirk is a trusted member of Starfleet. I do not believe for a moment he is a killer. Captain Grimsby, I recommend you surrender James Kirk to the _Enterprise _and accompany us to Starfleet. If you do not comply, we will be forced to take further action." She said it with conviction and I was incredibly proud to call her one of my crew.

"But-," Chekov made to protest, evidently concerned by what he'd been told by Starfleet. I silently wished the young Russian would see straight through the lies. He knew me better than that, surely? But then again, I thought with a bitter taste in my mouth, I had… I _had _killed Thomas and Sally. The very thought that I'd done something like that – even if it had been beyond my control – made me sick.

Uhura shot Chekov a look that told him only too clearly to shut the hell up. He sighed, cast one last puzzled look at me and then walked back to his station.

"You should listen to the kid," Brennan noted as he hugged me still tighter against him, "He might've said something useful. Maybe he'd have pointed out the fact that if you walked into Starfleet with myself and you're little buddy here, you'd be shot."

"You underestimate me," Uhura said calmly with a small smile, "Now, are you going to agree to my terms?"

"What will you do if I say no?" Brennan asked almost excitedly.

"Kick your ass," I muttered under my breath. This only earned me an elbow in the ribs but it was worth it to see the irritation flash across the man's face.

"I'll be forced to take you to Starfleet by force," Uhura said firmly, her eyes glinting.

Brennan laughed coldly, "Under whose authority?"

"Whose authority do I need?" Uhura said with a raised eyebrow. My face broke into a grin and I could have punched the air and cheered.

To that, Brennan had no response. He just glared at my Lieutenant before grabbing my arm and tugging me away. "Launch everything we have on the _Enterprise_. Let's see you laugh now, Kirk."

"Yes, Captain!" someone shouted from nearby.

After the split second it took me to realise what he'd said, I snarled and flung my body against Brennan and pushed him to the ground. I punched him in the face with all the strength I could muster. I heard his nose break but I didn't hang around to look. I leapt to my feet and ran over to the controls. There were men already swarming around me and I tried to dodge past them.

"They've gone to Warp!" a tall, burly man from somewhere on my right shouted as he looked at a small radar beside his panel. I was grabbed from behind by one of the guards and I groaned. I struggled but I was hugely outnumbered. He was a different man to the one who'd trapped me last time and this one didn't say anything to me – no snide comments or mocking jokes.

Brennan was staggering to his feet with a hand clutched to his face. I smirked at him and he glared at me before turning to his crew, "Did you get them?"

"No, Captain, they went to Warp before we could," one man said apologetically.

"Shame, that," I said pretending to look upset.

"We'll get them, don't worry," Brennan smirked, "But in the meantime, I'm taking you back to Starfleet. Have you any idea how much they're paying for your capture?"

"That won't work," I scoffed, "You're wanted by them too!"

"Figured it out now have you? Did you're little friend tell you who I am?"

"Yes, he did," I said, making a mental note to thank Bones later, "And I know Starfleet would shoot you on sight."

"Not if I've got you," he smirked, "They'll take you so your case can be investigated and I'll be in their good books for turning you in. A changed man and all."

"That won't-," I began.

"Throw him back in the cell," Brennan said as he dabbed blood from his face, sounding bored with me. He strode out of the room and down a long corridor before he even heard a response. I had so many questions running through my head as I was half dragged back to my cell. I wanted to know where Spock was. I wanted to know if Uhura had a plan. I wanted to get McCoy and myself out of Brennan's clutches. At least now I had half a plan. I just hope it worked out the way I wanted it to. I told myself it would work. It _had _to work.

As soon as we were out of sight of the rest of the crew, my captor's grip loosened on me. He slapped his hand on the panel by my cell door and it opened with a hiss.

"You'll never break me," I told my captor as he gently pushed me into my cell.

The man looked at me with his dark brown eyes almost sad, "I wish that were true, James."

"It is true," I countered, amazed that the man actually wanted me to win. "I'm going to get out of this. You just watch me."

"I knew your father," the man said after a small pause," He was a good man, James. He'd be proud of you standing up for yourself. Don't let them take the fight out of you."

"How did you know my Dad?"

"I was assigned to the _Kelvin_," he told me, "Your Dad was one of my best friends."

"Why the hell are you with Brennan then?" I demanded, confused.

He shook his head sadly, "If you help the man once, you're stuck with him. I do it for my family. He uses blackmail, James. Watch out for that. He'll blackmail you until you've got no escape route. That's why I can't help you – Brennan would hurt my wife and children if I did."

"I'll manage," I told him firmly, "I'll get us all out of this. I promise."


	12. Leave Him Alone

**Author's Note:** **Enjoy. **

* * *

The journey back to Starfleet seemed to drag on for ever. I sat in the corner of my cell with Bones beside me, separated by the sheet of plastic. "Have you ever wondered if this is going to be your last mission, Jim?" Bones asked after a long while of just staring at the ceiling.

I looked at my friend and frowned, "No. Why?"

"Sometimes I just wonder if we will get back okay every time," he said in a false casual voice. He looked troubled. His dark hair was untidy and his eyes were clouded over.

"Of course we will," I said nodding. The thing was, sometimes doubt got me at night; gnawing and biting at me and saying I couldn't expect to be a hero all the time.

"But that's just you, Jim," Bones said harshly, "You don't think. You just _do. _I'm not like that."

"I wouldn't have it any other way," I said with a small smile, "Who else is gonna do the thinking for me?"

He rolled his eyes and turned away from me to look at the floor of his cell, "You're probably right," he said eventually.

"I am," I said firmly at once. There was no room in my crew for worry. We had to keep believing in each other and that we'd work it out. I knew the reality of the situation would catch me up sooner or later but right then all I could do was keep fighting. I thought about what the guard had said about knowing my father. He said Dad would have been proud of me. Some sort of warmth flickered inside me for a moment. I was glad he'd feel that way about me. I must be doing something right, then.

"Kirk," came a voice from the cell doorway. I groaned and looked up already knowing I was going to find Brennan leering at me - I wasn't mistaken. He unlocked my cell door and swaggered in. His casual nonchalant pose was somewhat ruined by the large bloody bandage on his probably broken nose. I smiked. He'd deserved that one and boy had it felt good.

Bones and I got to our feet as he reached me. "Hows the nose?" I grinned.

Brennan raised an eyebrow and snickered, "You think you're clever, don't you?"

I laughed, "Well, yeah."

"You're not really," he said to me. I didn't really care what he had to say anymore and when he realised that, he continued, "We're currently orbiting Earth. The shuttles are being prepared for our descent to Starfleet."

"You won't be allowed in," I said, "You'd have to call ahead."

"You're friend saw to that," Brennan grinned, "Spock, or something he was called?"

"Where is he?"

"Use your brain, kid. He's at Starfleet waiting for our return. He's the reason why we're getting in there!" he explained excitedly. His eyes were dancing with excitement and cruelty, "You know, he betrayed you, kid." He ran his hand down the side of my face and lingered on my chin, "Such a pretty face, though."

I shivered slightly at his touch as he backed me into the wall. My heart was racing and my breathing quickened - I guess it was just panic. This guy was a creep. I didn't like the way he was touching my face. Neither did Bones, it seemed. He banged his fist on the plastic and yelled something unintelligible. Brennan turned and smirked at my friend, "Jealous?"

Bones's face flushed scarlet, "Leave him alone."

"Aw, Kirk, you've got an admirer," Brennan smirked as he turned back to me, taking one of my hands in his. I didn't react; I just watched him carefully not wanting to risk anything. Maybe attacking now wasn't a good idea. I trusted Spock. He wouldn't let me die, would he? Maybe if I just went along with Brennan's plan, Spock would have a plan.

"Jim..." Bones began, looking at me. I could tell he wanted me to hit Brennan.

"Maybe he doesn't love you?" Brennan cooed at Bones. I flinched as my tormentor leaned in closer to me. I squashed myself hard into the wall in a bid to avoid him. He slid his hand out of mine and cupped my face in between his cold palms.

"Sir?" came a confused voice from behind him. He spun around at once and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"What?" Brennan snarled heatedly.

The burly man who'd restrained me right at the beginning of this ordeal looked startled by Brennan's harsh tongue but delivered his message diligently anyway, "The shuttles are ready, Sir."

"Thank you," Brennan nodded briskly, "Take him," he said gesturing to Bones, "To the shuttle. I'll take this one." He grabbed my shoulder and tugged me towards the door of the cell again. I pulled myself away from him and walked by his side as he led the way to his shuttle while I hoped against hope that I was doing the right thing.


	13. Time To Die

**Author's Note: Typical. Just when I get time off school and can write whenever I like, I get computer problems. Seriously, the computer has a virus and is appearing to be beyond repair. I only just got virus protection on the laptop so I can now use the Internet here. So, here's the update I promised days ago. Enjoy!**

* * *

The journey in the shuttle seemed a long one. I didn't say anything to Brennan unless I was spoken to – which was very occasionally. I could feel nervousness bubbling up inside me but I was also determined that my plan was going to work. It had to work. I kept my eyes firmly glued to the view out of the window and tried not to think about the bastard sitting beside me. I could see the swirling blue, green and white of planet Earth beneath us. It was a familiar sight but it wasn't home. I wondered if I should feel like I was going home but I wouldn't feel that way until I was heading back to the _Enterprise._

"Starfleet is in sight, Captain," came the pilots voice over the loudspeaker and I looked around, startled by the sudden announcement.

Brennan turned to smirk at me and I just raised an eyebrow at him, "Yes?"

"Worried?" Brennan asked casually.

I snorted, "Hell no."

"You will be," Brennan said shifting in his seat trying to make himself more comfortable. I watched him for a moment trying to figure out if he doubted himself at all. He seemed pretty confident that his plan would work. He shut his eyes and rested his head back against the headrest. I looked around the shuttle and located Bones sitting at the other side of it. He gave me a weak, anxious smile and I gave him a quiet thumbs up and a wink. We were going to be fine. I knew we were.

When we landed, Brennan tugged me to my feet and said, "Here we go then. Time to die, kid."

I rolled my eyes, "For you, maybe."

"You aren't going to win this, Jim," he informed me as he patted his dark hair back with his hand and squared his shoulders. He grabbed my arms and tugged them behind my back. I blinked in shock and struggled but he had snatched handcuffs from the nearest guard and clipped them on to me. The same was happening to Bones and he was cursing and struggling more than I was. I already knew struggling wouldn't do me any good. I couldn't afford to me smacked around any more. Ironically, just as I decided I would need to keep my wits about me, one of Brennan's assistants stabbed a hypo into my neck. I jerked and gasped. Damn, the man was just as bad as Bones!

"What the hell was that?" I demanded furiously.

"Mild tranquilliser. It'll just make you a bit sleepy. Dopey," Brennan explained, "Should shut you up a bit."

I could already feel my mind slowing down and felt myself tripping over my own feet as we walked forward when the ramp was lowered. When we got into the hanger of Starfleet I noticed several people standing around. The first was a man in black uniform standing with his hands behind his back looking solemn. He had slicked back dark hair and serious eyes. I didn't recognise him but knew he was some high-ranking officer. "Grimsby," he said as we stood before him.

"Sir," Brennan practically simpered. My eyelids felt heavy and I struggled to stay focussed. My knees felt weak and shaky. If it hadn't been for Brennan's firm grip on the link between the cuffs I'd probably have been swaying on the spot like a bloody leaf. He carried on, "I brought the kid."

"So I see," the officer said with a frank nod in my direction. His gaze was stony and I tried to think of something to say in my defence but it was almost as if clouds were forming in my head. I could see Bones trying to stifle a yawn in the grip of one of Brennan's men.

"I found him on the run from Starfleet, sir," Brennan said giving me a bitter glare, "It's all I can do to make up for what I did wrong before to return him."

"You should be short on sight, Grimsby, along with Kirk," the officer said coldly, "You should know that Starfleet doesn't forgive traitors easily. If I wasn't so keen to have you both shot as a public example, you'd be dead already."

I felt Brennan twitch slightly and I watched him carefully, wondering if he was going to lash out. His jaw was set when he spoke next, "Even though I caught one of your most dangerous criminals?"

"I do not believe that is true," said a new voice. A man stood forwards beside the officer and my heart leapt. Spock! He was okay! Relief washed through me and I smiled at him gratefully. He gazed at me and I detected the slightest hint of a nod from the Vulcan.

"Spock," the officer said almost dangerously, "With respect, you were the one who said-."

"As I informed Lieutenant Uhura upon her escape from Mr Grimsby's ship, I was under pressure. Blackmailed, you might say," Spock explained stoically. "She told me she had already encountered Grimsby's ship and was planning a hostile rescue. I advised her against this. I knew he would come here once he knew Captain Kirk was a wanted criminal. The only reason murders were committed aboard the _Enterprise _was because the Captain was infected with an alien parasite planted by Mr Grimsby."

"Is true," I heard Bones mumble thickly. I nodded my agreement.

"Why wasn't I told about this?" the officer demanded viciously, his face flushing crimson.

"Sometimes it is best to just act and ask questions later," Spock said with a small sideways glance at me. Man, that sounded exactly like what I did. Bones had said it drove him mad.

"You think you're so smart," Brennan hissed darkly. I would have said something in reply but my mouth felt like it was full of cotton wool and I couldn't get the words out coherently so Brennan was free to continue, "I could still kill you Kirk. I could kill you _all._" When he said that he drew a phaser from the back of his trousers. Next think I knew the weapon was pressed to my head and everyone had tensed.

"This won't solve anything," I managed to say through the effect of the sedative.

"Put the weapon down or we'll shoot you," the officer growled at Brennan. I noticed then that guards had swarmed around us with phasers aimed at Brennan and his men.

"You'll never get me before I kill the kid," Brennan laughed as he jabbed the weapon into my head again. My heart was racing and I knew I had to do something. I couldn't let myself be so helpless. I forced myself to think through the tranquilliser fog and let my legs collapse beneath me. Brennan's arm holding me was jerked downwards and he fired the phaser haphazardly in alarm. The beam hit the hanger floor and Brennan cursed taking aim on my again. Using my position on the floor to my advantage, I kicked out and knocked his legs from beneath him. He toppled to the ground in an awkward heap and immediately phasers were being fired from all around us. I ducked and flattened myself to the ground keeping my head down and waiting for the firing to stop.

Then, suddenly, something hit me on the back and everything went black.


	14. Not Broken That Easily

**Author's Note: Well, this is the final chapter of this story. I know it's kinda short but I think it sums up everything I want to say pretty well. I just want to say a big thank you to everyone who has reviewed this, added it to favourites, added it to alerts, everything. It means so much to me and really gets me motivated to write more! I'm glad you enjoyed reading it, and where constructive criticism was offered, I hope I improved and that you thought it was better. Once again, thank you to everyone! Best wishes to you all!**

* * *

"Will he be okay, Doctor?" I heard a voice say from somewhere above me. I recognised it but for a moment I couldn't place it. My brain seemed to be ten miles behind the rest of me and it took a while to get a grip on myself. I decided it was Uhura who'd spoken. It must have been her. So that meant she was all right then? She hadn't been hurt by Brennan and his crew.

"Yes, he'll be fine," another voice said reassuringly, "Lucky bastard." Bones. I'd be able to identify his way of speaking any time. It's incredible how he can insult me _and _compliment me in the same sentence.

I groaned and forced myself to sit up slowly. I opened my eyes and the world blurred for a second before swimming into focus. Spock, Uhura and Bones were standing around my bed in the Starfleet hospital ward. My mouth felt like sand paper and my head hurt. My muscles ached but I felt fine beyond that. "What…?"

Bones thrust a glass of water into my hands immediatly and explained. "You're awake!" he said at the same time as pressing his hand to my forehead to check my temperature and shining a light in my eyes.

I blinked in shock and pushed him away, "What happened?" I demanded irritably.

"Brennan's doctor shot you with more tranquilliser. He was waiting in the side lines in case anything got messy and apparently Grimsby wanted you to be murdered even if he couldn't do it himself," Bones explained as he pushed the glass of water to my lips, forcing me to drink it.

"Oh," I said stupidly after I'd swallowed a mouthful of water. I couldn't think of anything more intelligent to say.

Bones smiled, "Didn't work though. Starfleet fixed you up pretty soon before it did any harm. They got the dart out before you completely overdosed." He seemed proud of the medical team here. I assumed he'd been fixed up as well because he seemed perfectly all right now. I felt relief wash through me as I noticed that everyone here looked okay.

I nodded and then asked, "What about Brennan?" I mean, not that I cared if the prat lived or died but I just wanted to know.

"In prison," Spock said calmly, "Along with the crew of his ship. They are all under trial."

"But half his crew were blackmailed into joining this crew!" I said urgently, making to get off the bed. I had to help them! I had to talk to the judge and explain. I couldn't see people being sent to death or life imprisonment just because they were worried for their families. Brennan Grimsby shouldn't be able to drag innocent victims down with him. I'd promised my Dad's friend that I'd get him out – that I'd keep him and his family safe.

Bones forced me back down again and said, "They'll get a fair trial. Starfleet have dealt with Grimsby before. Chances are most of them will walk."

"And Grimsby's going down, right?" I checked, "Hell he better be."

"More than likely," Spock nodded, "He was numerous charges to his name. You'll be called as a witness in time – as will the Doctor McCoy, Lieutenant Uhura and myself."

I grinned, "He doesn't stand a chance."

"I would assume that is correct," Spock nodded in agreement, "And Starfleet have concluded that you should be reinstated aboard the _Enterprise _as soon as you are well. The evidence for your illness was overwhelming thanks to Doctor McCoy's meticulous note taking and scanner images." I think I just about burst with happiness then. I couldn't wait to get back aboard my ship with my friends. Sometimes things just work out well even when you were worried they weren't going to work and this is one of those days. I didn't even have to do anything really.

"Thanks," I smiled gratefully, "Oh and Acting-Captain Uhura?" I added jokily with a small smirk on my face.

"Yes, Captain Kirk?" she replied, rolling her eyes slightly.

"You made a good Captain," I told her honestly, "Seriously, I was impressed with how you handled Brennan Grimsby."

She smiled modestly, "Well, it was all I could do. It's not the _Enterprise _without you. You can have you're chair back whenever you're ready."

I laughed, "Great."

I felt at home then. Everything had turned out okay; my friends were safe, my job was safe and Brennan was going down. I wondered if my Dad would be proud of how the situation was handled. It was almost like we'd finished off the job he'd started all those years ago when he'd reported Brennan first. I was glad to have my friends here with me and to know they trusted me. It was good to know that they knew me well enough to believe it when I say, "This isn't me." I dunno what would have happened if Spock and Bones hadn't believed it when I'd told them I really didn't intentionally kill Sally and Thomas. I'd probably be dead by now, I guess – or locked up in a cell to rot for all eternity. Well, Brennan Grimsby, let me tell you. I'm not broken that easily.

_End._


End file.
